


A Second Chance at Forever

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Career Ending Injuries, Fluff and Angst, Hockey Big Bang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 16:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21200447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: Tito is recently named captain of the New York Islanders after the vacancy that Mat left after his injury and after months of silence from a now-retired Mat, Tito goes to Vancouver to see if there's anything left of their relationship to salvage and possibly get a second chance.





	A Second Chance at Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to somehowunbroken for the amazing ficmix and artwork. You are extraordinary.

Tito’s mouth went dry as he prepared to head out the face the bevy of reporters waiting for him at the press conference. This was the moment they all had been waiting for. The inevitable had been postponed long enough, and even though Jon Ledecky and Lou Lamoriello had agreed to leave the captaincy vacant throughout the remainder of the season. Everyone knew, though, that they would eventually need a captain and when he was offered the position, he felt compelled to take it.

So, he straightened his suit and joined Lou at the podium, pasted a smile on his face and pushed the thought of Mat to the back of his mind. “Thank you all for coming today…” Lou greeted. “We’re very excited to announce Anthony Beauvillier will be the new captain of the Islanders beginning in the 2022-2023 season. This season didn’t end in the way we had hoped, but looking forward to next season we have completely faith that Anthony can lead us back to the playoffs.”

“Thank you,” Anthony smiled and turned to face the press, turning the words that he’d practiced repeatedly in his head. 

** _Anthony Beauvillier Named Captain of the New York Islanders_ ** **.**

After a several-months long vacancy, the New York Islanders announced Anthony Beauvillier will be the next captain of the team. Beauvillier will fill the absence that Mathew Barzal left after serving only one year as the Islanders captain. Beauvillier has grown into his role on the team over the past couple of years both on and off the ice. He along with Jordan Eberle have largely been credit with getting the Islanders to the post-season after Barzal’s injury left the Islanders in chaos.

Tito checked his phone after the press conference was over and already articles had been drafted about the news conference. He’d been held up afterwards, in a private meeting with Ledecky, Lamoriello, and some of the shareholders who had been invited to join. They peppered him with questions about the future of the team all concerned about the gaping hole that Mat’s absence left. He was prepared for the routine questions, at least the ones about the remainder of his summer and the upcoming free agency. He just stiffened when they asked about Mat. He couldn’t handle those. He should have been used to them, though. Mat had been as much a part of his career as the Islanders, but his connection with Mat extended beyond the rink, beyond the Islanders. Mat had been a part of his life since they’d met when they were fourteen. By the time they were in their early twenties, Tito had been convinced that Mat was his soulmate.

Then Mat had gotten hurt and Mat had disappeared. Tito knew eventually they’d make an ESPN documentary about Mat, the Islanders’ Golden Boy who was set to help them win it all, and yet, he’d fallen from grace too soon. The type of injury that a star player could never come back from.

The present was easy for Tito to talk about. Even the near future wasn’t that hard. It was only when Tito allowed his mind to wander to a life beyond hockey that the fear crept in. He’d already written Mat into that part of his life and now Mat was nowhere to be seen.

The people closest to Tito knew that he was going to be named captain. Anders had retired and given the mantle to Mat. Now the role of being captain had been passed onto Tito. That’s why the messages that Tito now received were from people that he rarely spoke to. Most of them were pretty generic congratulations, but one made him pause.

From: Liana

_ Congrats on becoming captain. _

Tito pressed his lips together and his finger hovered over the dial button. He’d called her a lot after Mat had moved back to Vancouver. She’d give him updates on the days that Mat wasn’t feeling up to talk to him. Then her updates would become more spread out, giving Tito just the bare minimum information to ensure that he knew Mat was doing okay. Then Liana just would say _ask Mat_. That was easy for her to say. Even when he and Mat had talked they never said much and the distance between them just seemed to grow further and further.

In a moment of impulse, Tito pressed the call button.

“Hello?” Liana answered.

“Hey,” Tito said. There was a long pause where neither of them knew what to say. They had always gotten along well, but Tito knew where here loyalties rested and if it came down to a choice between him and Mat, she would always choose her brother.

“I texted Mat,” Tito clarified, “I didn’t want him to be surprised.”

“I know. He told me,” Liana said.

“Oh, I, uh, didn’t know how he felt about it, I just- I didn’t want anyone else to be captain. Mat’s the captain. He still is, to me at least,” Tito said.

“Tito, look, he’s really proud of you,” Liana said, “even if he doesn’t know how to say it.”

“He hasn’t talked to me in months, you know. He didn’t even have the guts to call me when he broke up with me,” Tito’s voice cracked, the pain of the whole thing still stinging even almost a year later.

“It’s been a rough year for him,” Liana said.

“Yeah,” Tito said.

“You were always the best thing that ever happened to him.”

Tito laughed dryly.

“I mean it, and he could really use you right now,” Liana said.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Tito said.

“Why don’t you come and see for yourself?” She asked and hung up, leaving Tito with a choice.

She was right. It had been a rough year for Mat. It had been an awful fucked up year that had turned Mat’s life on its head. But she had left out that it had been a rough year for Tito as well. The cracks that Tito had ignored in their relationship had been tested by the unbearable weight of Mat’s injury and it had given out.

Seeing Mat lying on the ice had hurt Tito. When he lay on the ground, not being able to stand up, Tito’s heart sank. When Tito had to go on a roadtrip while Mat was hospitalized and waiting for a full diagnosis, he just wanted to fake an illness and stay home. And when Mat called him sobbing, unable to tell Tito that his knee had been destroyed, Tito wanted to punch the fucker who’d collided with Mat on the ice. Tito’s heart had broken for Mat and then, after Mat went to Vancouver to endure grueling months of physical therapy, Mat had broken his heart. Tito also knew that despite the fact that Mat had broken his heart, he was also the only person that Tito had ever imagined a future with and Liana had given him hope that there still might be a future to salvage.

So, Tito changed his plane ticket from Montreal to Vancouver and spent the next morning on a trans-continental flight with two suitcases and no return ticket.

Vancouver still felt so familiar to Tito even though he’d only been there twice since the injury. Once for an away game against Vancouver and the other time to visit Mat when after his third surgery.

Vancouver had become a third home for him since he and Mat had started dating for as much as he visited Mat during the off season. The city skyline and all the familiar sites that Mat had so proudly taken him to brought back bittersweet memories. It was during those summer months when Tito could almost pretend that they were just another couple, getting to meet each others parents and show each other their home towns. But the way the had to act in public, always leaving a gaping space between them, always taking photos together but never really affectionately had eaten away at him. But even though sightseeing had made him bitter towards their careers, even though he was sad by the way Mat always glanced around to make sure that they were alone before holding his hand, those were the times that he had been the happiest.

Tito pressed his head against the car window as his Uber drove him towards Mat’s address. Doubt started to creep in. At the very least he should have probably texted Mat to let him know that he was coming. He knew why he didn’t, though. He wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought of Mat telling him not to come. Even after all this time, after all the nights he cried himself to sleep, Tito just wanted Mat.

Tito tipped the Uber generously and walked up to Mat’s front door. The car was in the driveway which meant that Mat was at home or at least close by. Tito paused feeling the same anxiety that he felt when he was drafted and when he’d played his first game. The feeling of possibly being rejected. He wondered what it would be like if Mat slammed the door in his face or if Mat just let him keep ringing it until he finally gave up. But then, just like he had in the previous two instances, he mustered up the courage necessary and pressed the doorbell.

For a moment there was silence, but then Tito heard the slow march of heavy footsteps against the floor and his pulse quickened. The door opened and Tito saw emotions cross over Mat’s face. Mat hadn’t closed the door yet on him at least not yet. Tito didn’t think he would. They hadn’t broken up on terrible terms, but Mat had broken Tito’s heart and in the process, Tito was pretty sure that he’d broken his own as well.

Tito swallowed thickly, “Hi.”

“Hey,” Mat said. Mat leaned awkwardly against the door. If Tito didn’t know any better he’d think Mat was just standing there casually, but Tito knew better. Mat’s knee was still bothering him. In the past several months Mat had put on some weight. He’d filled out a little more and a thin layer of fat covered his once-chiseled muscles. It was almost a Pavlovian response that Tito’s heart fluttered. 

“Congrats on becoming captain,” Mat said.

“Don’t. I didn’t come here to talk about any of that,” Tito said, “I just wanted to see you.”

Mat sighed, “We aren’t together anymore, Tito.”

“I know,” Tito said and he bit back a snippy response. Mat had been the one to break them up. Tito knew that. Tito knew that they weren’t anything like they had been before. But Mat saying it aloud hurt.

“But you were my best friend,” Tito said.

Mat sighed, “I know,” and widened the door to allow Tito to come in. The house was great; it was just as Tito remembered the first time he’d been there since Mat bought it. He’d purchased it after signing his contract with the Islanders. The sense of permanency that the contract provided him echoed in his personal life with the purchase of his own home.

Tito followed Mat into the living room. Mat walked with a limp now. Tito had never actually seen Mat walk since the accident, but seeing it now was a wake up call. Even with four surgeries and hundreds of hours of physical therapy, this is where Mat ended up. This was probably the extent of how much he’d be able to recover.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Mat asked.

“No, I’m good thanks,” Tito said.

They sat awkwardly across from each other. Tito tried to make sure he didn’t look at Mat’s knee, instead focusing on his own hands.

“Why are you here?” Mat asked.

“I miss you,” Tito said, “and I wanted to see you.” His answer was simple, but the situation was far from it. “I always wanted to see you.”

“Yeah,” Mat said. “Where are you staying?”

“I was hoping I could stay here,” Tito said.

“I think it would better if you don’t stay here,” Mat said.

“Oh, right, sure,” Tito said.

“Um, there’s a pretty good hotel about ten minutes down the road,” Mat supplied, but the blow had already left its impact. Before, Mat would have offered his guest room up in a heartbeat, but now, Mat’s house was a sort of sacred space that Tito seemed to be trespassing in.

“Sure, I’ll call and see if they have any rooms available,” Tito said.

“I’m not unhappy to see you, I just- I wasn’t expecting to see you,” Mat said.

“I know,” Tito said. “I should have asked if it was okay, I’m sorry.”

“It’s always okay, you know that,” Mat said.

“Do I?” Tito asked.

Mat swallowed thickly, “Look, there are things that I need to tell you. Things that you need to hear, but I’m not ready yet, okay?”

“Okay,” Tito said, “I’ll be here when you are ready.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Tito said, “Can I come by tomorrow?”

“I have therapy in the morning, but maybe around 11?”

“Okay,” Tito said as he called an Uber and searched for the hotel that Mat had suggested. Tito recognized the olive branch for what it was. Mat had never been good at apologizing or talking about what he wanted or needed. But Mat was giving him an opportunity and Tito knew they had a lot to talk about. He just needed to figure out what to say.

Tito showed up a little after 11 having decided to rent a car. He wasn’t sure how long he would be there or how long Mat would want him there. “Hey, how was physical therapy?” Tito asked when he saw Mat.

“Oh, it was a therapist actually,” Mat said, “You know, for the brain or whatever.”

“Oh,” Tito said.

“I’ve been seeing one for a while now, after everything… Duncan Keith reached out and hooked me up with this guy,” Mat shrugged, “I probably should have been going for a while now.”

“Does it help?” Tito asked.

“Sometimes, sometimes it’s less helpful” Mat sighed. “How has your summer been?”

“Kind of shitty,” Tito answered.

“I’m sorry,” Mat said.

Tito wanted to say how it was shitty because he hadn’t heard from Mat. There were dozens of draft texts that remained in his inbox that he’d never sent. As the days dragged on it became harder and harder to think about sending Mat a message. There were hours that he’d spent browsing airline websites for tickets from Quebec to Vancouver. He’d imagined flying out to Vancouver and ripping into Mat for what he’d done. But he was a coward, he’d never done any of it.

A part of him sometimes wondered if it had been the same for Mat. He wondered if there were e-mails that had never been sent and calls that had been cut off as they reached voicemail. Tito didn’t want to ask, he wasn’t sure what response Mat would give and he wasn’t sure what response he’d want.

There was a lull, neither of them knew what to say and for the first time since they were fourteen, their relationship was plagued with silence. Tito wanted to talk about hockey, that was what felt comfortable for him and that was a large part of his life, but that was no longer a part of Mat’s life.

He’d excised all traces of hockey from his life. His hockey friends had also been casualties of the injury. “My brother got married in June,” Tito said.

“Yeah, he’d sent me an invitation, but I couldn’t go. I’m still friends with him on Instagram. I saw the photos.”

“It was nice,” Tito said. “My dad cried, he’ll never admit it, but he did.”

“Aw Sylvain, he’s always been a softie, did you?”

“Oh yeah,” Tito said. “But we all knew that that was going to happen.”

Mat’s smile froze, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Tito shrugged. It wasn’t okay. So much about this wasn’t okay, but Tito wanted to pretend that he understood.

“What do you want to do today?” Tito asked.

“I don’t know, is there anything in Vancouver that you wanted to see?”

“I didn’t come to Vancouver for sightseeing, Mat,” Tito said gently.

“I want to show you the city though, there’s a new suspension bridge that I’ve been meaning to go see,” Mat said with a false cheerfulness.

“Can-” Tito started to ask if Mat could go to the bridge. He knew how those things shook and he wasn’t sure if Mat’s knee could handle it. Mat’s face soured though.

“Don’t,” he warned. “Don’t ask if I can do that.”

“I was just going to ask if we could grab lunch beforehand,” Tito corrected.

“Oh yeah, sure,” Mat said, “Want to head out?”

“Sure.”

Tito followed Mat to the car, a little four door that was reminiscent of the one he had his rookie year. “It reminds me of your first one,” Tito said.

“Yeah?” Mat said, “I liked that car a lot.” Mat’s phone rang and he frowned when he saw who was calling. With just a hint of hesitation, he rejected the call and shoved the phone into his pocket.

“Did you need to get that?” Tito asked.

“No, I can deal with that later,” Mat said, “Let’s go.”

Tito was quiet on the ride to the park. He mostly stared out the window, looking at the sights of Vancouver that brought back old memories. It was surreal to be sitting next to Mat like this; it felt too normal and if Tito really tried, he was pretty sure he could pretend that that last year had never happened.

Mat’s jaw was tightly clenched as he navigated the drive. It was a twenty-minute drive from Mat’s house to the bridge and Tito was relieved to see that there were just a few cars in the parking lot.

There were signs that led the way to the bridge. Tito grimaced when he way that it was about another 0.4 kilometers to the start of the bridge. Back when things were normal, that distance would have been nothing, but Tito wasn’t sure about how things would go now. Mat’s limp was even more apparent as they walked towards the bridge. His left foot dragged a little behind the rest of his body almost as if his foot had fallen asleep on the drive here.

Mat didn’t complain, but as they continued to walk, he slowed down and his body stiffened. “Let’s take a break,” Tito said.

“I’m fine,” Mat pressed on.

“Mat, come on, let’s just enjoy the view here,” Tito said.

“I said I was fine,” Mat snapped. Even now, Tito knew better than to argue with Mat when he got into these kinds of moods.

“I know you are,” Tito tried to placate him.

“I think the bridge is close,” Mat said.

When they finally reached the starting point, Tito just scanned the area in awe. “Wow,” he breathed.

“Pretty great, huh,” Mat said.

“This was a great pick,” Tito said and for the first time since Mat had come up with the idea, Tito thought this wasn’t a mistake. “Yeah?” Mat smiled, “Had to at least show you something good to make your trip worthwhile.”

Tito ventured out onto the bridge and his stomach seized up as he looked below. Rationally, he knew that the bridge was safe and that the reinforced steel would keep them from falling, but it was surreal to look through the grate below and see the forest. He made it towards the middle of the bridge before turning around to check on Mat. Mat was hunched over the side of the bridge way back towards the end.

Tito’s heart dropped as he nearly ran to Mat. Mat’s fingers were clenched in a death grip along the wire railing. His fingers were turning white with the effort. At first, Tito thought it was the nerves of being on the suspension bridge, but Mat was barely putting any weight on his injured leg.

“Fuck,” Tito swore.

“I’m fine,” Mat said.

“We’re going home,” Tito said.

“Just give me a sec,” Mat said.

Tito waited as Mat tried to breathe through the pain. He ignored the pauses of passerbys, praying that none of them would well-meaningly stop and ask if Mat was okay. He wasn’t. None of this was okay.

“Let’s go,” Tito said and when Mat didn’t protest, Tito finally understood how bad it was.

He wrapped his arm around Mat’s waist and let the majority of Mat’s weight rest up against him.

“Let’s just take it slowly,” he said. If the trek to the bridge had seemed long to Tito, the walk back was even longer.

Mat didn’t say much, but Tito carefully watched his face for any signs of discomfort. Tito knew that even though Mat had been removed from the professional hockey player lifestyle, he still had a high pain tolerance.

“I’m sorry,” Mat said.

“Don’t apologize,” Tito said, trying to ensure that neither of them tripped on the uneven ground.

“I fucked it all up,” Mat said.

“You didn’t,” Tito promised, sighing with relief when he finally saw Mat’s car. “Here, give me your keys, I’ll drive back.”

“You don’t know the way,” Mat said.

“Google maps,” Tito replied. He helped Mat into the passenger side of the car and by the time Tito walked over to the driver’s side, Mat had already reclined the seat and propped his leg up on the dashboard.

Tito was pretty sure that that violated all safety regulations, but Mat’s face was still scrunched up in agony and at this point he wasn’t sure if there was much more damage that could happen to Mat’s leg. Tito propped his phone up on the dashboard and typed in the address that Liana had given him.

He took extra care in Mat’s car, driving under the speed limit when he usually would have sped. He glanced over at Mat at a stoplight, Mat’s hand was gripping the armrest and a silent tear was streaming down his face. Tito assumed that when they returned to Mat’s house, Mat would take some meds and sleep for most of the afternoon.

“We’re here,” Tito said after he pulled into the driveway. He wasn’t sure if Mat had fallen asleep on the trip back.

“I can princess carry you,” Tito tried to joke, as he offered his hand to help Mat out of the car. Mat didn’t laugh.

“Please don’t,” Mat replied. “Just give me a sec,” he said as he repositioned himself.

“Sure,” Tito said.

Tito fiddled with Mat’s keys and held the door open. “Where are your meds?” Tito asked.

“In my bedroom,” Mat said.

Tito helped him to the bedroom and lay him down. He grabbed a pillow from his bedroom and gently propped Mat’s injured leg up. “I’ll grab some water for you,” Tito said as he found the pain medication that Mat had referred to. He was almost ready to return to Mat’s room when he made a makeshift ice pack from a ziplock bag.

“Here, sit up for a sec,” Tito said.

Mat grabbed the pills from Tito’s hand and gulped down the water.

“Can I take off your pants?” Tito asked, gesturing to the ice pack.

“No, it’s fine,” Mat said.

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” Tito said, painfully reminding himself of how they once had been.

“I just, I don’t want you to see it,” Mat choked out.

“Mat…”

Mat nearly sobbed and startled Tito. “Stop being so nice to me, just please stop, Anthony. Can you just go?”

Mat rarely used his real name.

“Don’t do this, Mat,” Tito warned.

“I need you to go,” Mat begged.

“What about what I want? I don’t want to leave you,” Tito said. “You can sleep and I’ll go in the living room and watch TV or something, I don’t know, but I’m here for you. I want to be here for you so please let me. Please don’t shut me out, not again,” Tito said. His eyes burned with tears as he pleaded to stay. He knew he wasn’t just talking about today; he was talking about staying in Mat’s life.

“I can’t,” Mat said. “Just go.”

“I’m coming back,” Tito promised, “I’ll let you rest and I’ll come back later around five, okay?”

“Tito, you should just go back to New York,” Mat said.

“Does our friendship mean nothing to you?” Tito asked.

“It does, but it was based on hockey. Everything was based on hockey and now that’s gone,” Mat said, “And you still have it.”

“Our friendship may have started off because of hockey, but that doesn’t mean that that is all it was based off of,” Tito said, “You were the love of my life, hockey had nothing to do with it.”

“Just go, please,” Mat said.

“Okay, I’ll see you later.” Maybe it was unfair that Tito said that, but Mat knew. He had to have known after all the years of dancing around each other. Tito had fallen head over heels in love with Mat. He was pretty sure that it had always been Mat and fate had seemed to agree once they’d both been selected by the New York Islanders.

Tito knew he should have napped, but he was replaying all the things he wanted to say to Mat in his head before heading back to his place. Maybe things would be different now if they tried again. It wouldn’t be fair to center things around hockey now that it was a painful remainder of what Mat had had, but the prospect almost excited Tito. Things would be different, but they wouldn’t necessarily be bad.

He had bought a cup of coffee for Mat on the way to his house, hoping that now they could have the sorely needed conversation. He rang the doorbell. Mat would have to take his time to get to the door based on how slow he had moved earlier in the day. Tito was about ready to text Mat to see if he was awake when the door opened and someone he’d never seen before opened the door. He was around their age and Tito had to admit that he was attractive.

“Hi,” the man at the door greeted Tito. He almost double checked the house to make sure he was in the right spot.

“Is Mat up?” Tito asked.

“He kind of had a rough day,” the man said and Tito felt annoyed as he wanted to explain that he had seen Mat earlier, he knew Mat had had a bad day.

“Sorry, who are you?” Tito asked.

“Oh sorry, you’re Anthony, right? I’m Brian, Mat’s boyfriend.”

Tito froze. _Mat’s boyfriend_. Mat’s BOYFRIEND.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Tito said, “If he’s had a rough day I probably should just go then.”

Tito turned away. Anything else that Brian said, he ignored. Everything just felt raw. Mat had moved on. Mat had a boyfriend. Even when they were together, Mat never called Tito his boyfriend and always felt uncomfortable when Tito would refer to him as such. Tito remembered the arguments they had. Mat had always been concerned about one of them slipping up during an interview or being recorded while out in public. Now, though Mat was out apparently.

_ You’re probably right, I guess I should go back to New York_. He typed out and texted Mat before instinctively blocking his number.

He pulled up Liana’s contact information and dialed her. “He has a boyfriend,” Tito said, now openly crying.”

“Tito,” Liana tried to pacify him. 

“You gave me hope,” Tito said, trying to hold back a sob, “You didn’t tell me that he had a boyfriend.”

“I meant what I said, though, that he needed you. He still needs you.”

“But what about what I need?” Tito asked. “Nobody asked me what I needed when Mat was injured and I understood that it wasn’t about me then. But he won’t let me in , he doesn’t need me or even really want me here. I needed him not to shut me out, I needed him not to call be up and say he needed space when I was going out of my mind wondering if he was okay. And now I come here and there were times when it felt so normal, and he has Brian,” Tito said.

“I’m sorry,” Liana said.

“I’m going home, don’t contact me again,” Tito said. He returned to the hotel and packed his few measly items before heading straight to the airport. It didn’t matter how long he would have to wait until there was a flight out to either New York or Montreal, he just had to leave the city and get away from Mat.

_ September 2022_

“We have a retirement ceremony planned for Mat on the 27th,” the PR person told Tito. Tito held his breath. Right after he left, Mat had sent him a couple of texts, but when he realized that Tito wasn’t coming back, he stopped. The rational part of Tito knew that what he had done was wrong. It wasn’t like Mat cheated. They weren’t together and Mat had never suggested the possibility of them reuniting. Tito replayed all of their conversations over again, every hope that he had had was from his own imagination and hopes. Mat wasn’t to blame for this. In the way their relationship decayed, Mat carried so much of the blame for shutting Tito out and burrowing himself away, but now, Tito knew that this last turn of events was his fault. He’d had expectation of how the visit was going to go. He had had hopes, especially because neither Liana nor Mat had said anything about a boyfriend. And now, he had just hoped that Mat would remain secluded in Vancouver and they could go their separate ways.

The Mat from last year would have declined to have a retirement ceremony. Then again, Tito knew the front office had held out hopes that Mat could recover. They were willing to put in the time and money to have Mat come back, even if he was just a fraction of the player that he had been.

“I’m surprised he agreed to come,” Tito said.

“Honestly, we were too,” the PR rep said, “We were planning on doing something regardless, but he hadn’t reached out to us for a while.”

“So, what do I have to do for it?” Tito asked.

“We’ll probably have him drop the ceremonial puck and probably do some media stuff with him especially since you two are friends.”

Tito knew that it was in his captaincy duties to welcome Mat back to the Colisseum, but they weren’t friends anymore.

“And we were planning on creating a tribute video for him so we’re getting some guys to say a few things.”

_ Fuck_. Tito was never particularly good at interviews, even now that he had had to do them as part of his job for the past couple of years. There were so many feelings he had about Mat that he couldn’t possibly imagine any clips being good enough for the final clip.

“Okay, when do you want me to sit down to film some stuff?” Tito asked.

“Just sometime this week, whenever you get a chance. Thanks, Anthony.”

The PR person didn’t seem to realize the inner turmoil that she’d left Tito with. But despite everything, Mat had done so much for the team and the organization. Tito knew that after John left for the Maple Leafs that Mat had provided them with hope and that had been priceless.

“Know what you’re going to say for Mat’s tribute?” Casey asked Tito at practice.

“No,” Tito shook his head. Even if the team didn’t know the full extent of what had happened between Mat and Tito, they knew the basics. Mat had shunned them as well when it became clear that he wasn’t going to recover. Tito knew that many guys had texted and tried to call for a while and they had known how close the two of them had been. “I went to visit him this summer,” Tito said. It was the first time he’d told nay of the guys about it.

“Yeah?”

“He was okay,” Tito said, “Things just weren’t the same.”

Casey sighed, “I really hoped that things would be okay for the two of you.” Tito wasn’t completely sure what he meant by that.

“Yeah,” Tito said.

With the video tapping looming over his head, Tito mulled about what he was going to say for the rest of the week before someone from the PR department cornered him to get him to actually film the tribute.

Tito sat on the stool across from the videographer even though the lights blinded him from being able to distinguish any actual figures.

“Go ahead,” the guy holding the camera said.

“Uh, hi Mat, congratulations on an amazing career, thank you for all you’ve done for the Islanders and I hope you enjoy your retirement,” Tito said. The words felt canned and artificial and he’d said them before for guys that he cared less about for their retirement videos.

“Do you want to try something a little more personal? Maybe share a memory? You could even talk directly to the camera since Mat is going to be there.”

Tito paused and he felt a lump in his throat, “Um, yeah, I can try it,” Tito swallowed and stared directly at the blinking red dot of the camera. “Mat, so much of our careers was spent together and I guess it seemed like fate that we were drafted here. I thought we were going to spend many more years together and I guess now we aren’t, but I feel so privileged to have played by your side and to have been your friend for as long as we did. You’ve done so much for the team, for me, and I’ll always be grateful for that,” Tito said. He was barely able to finish his sentence, and before he had finished he was already wiping at his eyes to stop the tears from coming out. “Fuck, cut that part, just use the original.”

Tito all but ran out of the room and ignored the sympathetic looks that the PR department was giving him. He went to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face in a futile attempt to get rid of the blotchiness and redness on his face. He hated to cry and he hated to cry in public and above all else he wanted to stop crying over Mat.

Mat arrived later that week. The Islanders had sent out a camera crew out with Tito to great Mat and his family at the airport. Tito wondered if Brian was going to join them. Fuck, if he had to see Mat and Brian both this weekend Tito thought he’d go crazy. Thankfully, when Mat and his family entered the baggage claim area, Brian hadn’t come with them.

“Hey,” Tito said. He nodded at Liana, acknowledging her briefly.

“Hi,” Mat said. He didn’t smile at Tito, but Tito shouldn’t have expected it.

The camera crews felt violating with the attention focused on Tito and Mat’s reunion. For those who had seen videos of them together in the early years of their career. The Islanders had used them and their friendship for videos. Tito knew that their on-camera relationship then had been different. They were still in the flirting phase, trying to navigate their mutual attraction while figuring out where it fit with the team and the NHL. They had thought at the time that they were being secretive, but when Tito rewatched some of the footage, he saw all of the signs there. It was like reading the end of the book before the rest of it; in hindsigh everything made since, but now those videos were bitter.

Tito reached behind Mat and grabbed his luggage. “How was the flight?”

“Good,” Mat shrugged.

They piled into the large van that the team had sent to ferry them to the hotel. Mat’s parents were nice, filling the void with polite chatter. Tito had always gotten along with them back when things were still good. By some miracle, both Liana and Mat were quiet on the ride to the hotel where most visiting teams stayed.

“Can we talk?” Mat asked.

Tito knew over the next couple of days they were bound to spend more time together than Tito would have liked. Nick and Casey were already planning a boys-night-out at a bar that they used to frequent.

“Sure,” Tito said. He followed Mat up to his room. The Islanders had booked three suites for his whole family and as the rest of them got settled, Tito dragged Mat’s luggage behind him. Mat sighed deeply as they entered his suite and Tito wondered if he was as disappointed with how things had turned out.

“You just left,” Mat said.

“Yeah,” Tito replied, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why?” Mat asked.

Tito shrugged, “I just thought it was time for me to come home.”

“I kept waiting for days for you,” Mat said. He sat on the bed and stretched out his leg but stared directly at Tito angrily.

“That’s funny because I spent _months_ waiting for you,” Tito spat back, “Do you know how long I waited for us to have a meaningful conversation after your injury? I kept waiting and waiting and it killed me.”

“I couldn’t,” Mat said, “I couldn’t deal with you because I knew you were going to be nice and kind and understanding and you were going to try and that was going to suffocate me.”

Tito swallowed, “Well, that’s good to know I guess.”

“Tito-”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll let you get settled, I’m sure you’re tired after your flight. Besides, I wouldn’t want to _suffocate _you.” Tito threw Mat’s words back into his face and felt a small sense of pleasure

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Mat said, “I meant it when I said I wanted us to be friends again.”

“I miss you. I want us to be friends again, I really do, but maybe all we’re good for is hurting each other,” Tito said sadly. 

“You can’t think that,” Mat said.

“You hurt me, I hurt you, we just go in a circle trying to see who can inflict the most pain,” Tito said, “I met Brian and that pretty much broke me. I can’t keep doing this, I can keep hoping that you still have a place for me in your life when you chose to cut me out of it and keep things from me.”

“Is that why you left? Brian?” Mat asked.

“Partially,” Tito nodded, “But it doesn’t really matter now. Uh, some of the guys want to grab drinks with you the day before the game so keep your plans free.”

“Okay,” Mat said, “We we’re dating, you know. Things were over between us when I started dating Brian.”

“I don’t care,” Tito said, “And we weren’t really together so it doesn’t really matter I guess.”

“We were together,” Mat said.

“Were we?” Tito asked. “Were we really together? Because you were so insistent about keeping it secret and you were so fucking paranoid that someone would find out about us. “I would have come out for you,” Tito said. “I wanted to. When I knew that you were the one for me I was fine with coming out. I was scared, but I wanted to be your boyfriend.”

“You never said,” Mat said.

“I was scared. I knew you weren’t going to come out. I saw the way you were when we were out in public. You always looked around like you were terrified that someone would see us together, and I was scared that if I told you that I wanted to come out you’d end things. And it was so clear to me the choice; I’d have rather had you in any way than to not have you at all. I mean, did your parents even know?”

“Liana knew,” Mat said.

“Liana. One person in your family knew and they probably all know about Brian, right? Do you invite him over to family dinners? Go out on dates together? Introduce him as your boyfriend?” Tito sneered at some point in the conversation he’d started to cry and he felt so vulnerable towering over Mat, but no matter what, he couldn’t stop.

“It’s different,” Mat said.

“It’s different, yeah, but I wanted that. I wanted everything with you, and it killed me to see you with him, not just because even after all this time, after everything, I would come running back to you, not just because you moved on, but because I know he can give you a life that I can’t.”

“Anthony-”

“So that’s why I left,” Tito said with a small nod, “I couldn’t handle it, I guess. Well, I’m heading out, enjoy dinner with your family. I’ll see you soon.”

Tito left and as he shut the door behind him he sighed. He wondered if it was too much to burden Mat with that. In the course of their conversation, he’d overshared. He hadn’t planned on picking Mat up and pouring his heart out, but if this was how day one of Mat’s return trip to New York was going, he could only imagine how the next couple of days were going to go.

“Tito,” a voice called out to him. He quickly wiped the tear tracks off of his face and stood up straight.

“Liana, I was actually just leaving,” Tito said.

“I’m sorry,” Liana said, “I should have told you about Brian. I shouldn’t have let you come to Vancouver without knowing everything.”

“You were protecting him. I can’t fault you for that, besides most of what happened was my own fault. I had expectations that we’d get back together and he never promised anything like that, you didn’t promise anything like that,” Tito shrugged.

“I’m still sorry about how things turned out.”

“Honestly, I am too, but if Brian makes him happy than that’s all that matters, but I’m stepping aside. Your brother deserves to be happy and I can’t do that anymore.”

The Islanders had practice the next day and Tito felt relieved on the ice. Even now, the ‘C’ on his chest felt foreign. “You good?” Ross asked.

“Yeah,” Tito said.

“I just thought with Mat being in town, things might be rough?” Ross asked. In the absence of Mat, Tito and Ross had become closer. Despite his size and outward personality, Ross was exceptionally astute.

“You want to see rough?” Tito teased, diverting the conversation. He turned towards Ross and playfully threw a couple of jabs. That had been their routine before every game for the last five years. Ross dominated him in size and held Tito pretty much at arm’s length. Tito could barely reach to make contact and Ross just laughed at him.

“Oh,” Ross said and pulled away. Tito turned to see what he was looking at, “Someone’s watching you.”

Behind the glass on the other side of the rink, Mat watched practice. His arms were crossed over his chest protectively but when he saw Tito watching, he tentatively raised his hand in greeting.

Tito just turned away, the reminder of his conversation with Mat yesterday echoing in his mind.

Ross just sighed, “Are you going to be good with drinks tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Tito said.

“You sure, captain?” Ross said with a grin.

“Yeah,” Tito said as he skated away with a playful shove.

They ran through drills and at some point, Mat disappeared. Tito told himself that it didn’t matter.

That night, they met Mat at one of their usual haunts. The staff was familiar with them and they knew Mat from when he had played with the Islanders. Tito was grateful that the staff ushered them to a quiet room away from everything so that they could avoid fans tonight. Mat sat near one end of the table and Tito deliberately sat away from him. He noticed that Ross flanked him almost like a bodyguard. “Matty,” Casey had greeted, throwing an arm over Mat’s shoulder and pulling him into a hug.

“What’s new with you?” Nick asked.

Mat shrugged, “Not too much, I’m going back to school next year.” Tito blinked in surprised. Mat had never suggested going to college or that he’d even lamented not having that experience.

“No shit, really?”

“Yeah,” Mat said, “I applied to a couple of places but I’m trying to decide where to go.”

“That’s great,” Tito said, speaking up for the first time. Mat’s head flicked his way and Tito offered a small, genuine smile.

“Yeah, I’m excited,” Mat said.

“Do you know what you’ll major in?”

“I was considering something in business, maybe,” Mat said, “I don’t know I kind of want to keep my options open.”

“Damn, who knew you were such a nerd? Leds, he might have you beat for the smartest member of the team.”

“Fuck off,” Nick chided Casey. Tito couldn’t help but smile at the ease of the conversation. It felt like old times, how the banter could just occur without concern. Casey and Nick seemed to put Mat at ease effortlessly and Mat truly seemed happy.

“Uh, while I’m here, I actually wanted to tell you guys something,” Mat cleared his throat, “I probably should have said it a while ago, but uh, I’m gay.”

Ross flicked his eyes over to Tito who just stared at his beer. Casey smiled at Mat, he probably wasn’t surprised by the announcement, after all he’d been the You Can Play ambassador for the past three years. “Thanks for telling us,” Casey said, “You know we think of you the same.”

“Thanks guys,” Mat said.

Ross nudged Tito, “Say something,” he hissed.

“That’s great! Thanks for telling us,” Tito murmured, not meeting Mat’s eyes.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Casey asked.

“No,” Mat said and when Tito looked at Mat he saw him staring back at him.

“I have to go,” Tito said as he threw some money down on the table to cover his beer and give a generous tip, “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

He all but ran out of the room despite hearing his name called after him. It was too much and Tito knew if he stayed he would think that Mat was doing it for him. That was the mistake that he’d made before when he flew out to Vancouver.

“Tito,” Tito froze in his tracks and turned. It was Mat. He was reaching down to grab his leg and Tito imagined that his knee was flaring up.

“Go back inside, Mat,” Tito said.

“Are you mad?” Mat asked.

Tito sighed, “No, I just, I can’t do this with you anymore. Because when you do stuff like this, it makes me feel like it’s for me, and it makes me feel like we have a chance and I will get my hopes up again.”

“You’re wrong, I didn’t do this for you. I did this for me,” Mat said, “I heard what you said yesterday, I really heard it and I didn’t realize how much I hurt you, even before everything had happened. I really want to talk with you before I leave, I have somethings I need to tell you and I want to do it here. I wasn’t ready in Vancouver and I wasn’t in a good place when you came, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m ready to talk now whenever you are.”

“Okay,” Tito said, “Go back inside, I’ll see you tomorrow, I know the guys wanted to see you and I don’t want to take you away, but we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Mat said. He looked like he wanted to say more but he turned around and headed back to the bar.

Tito’s phone vibrated with an incoming text message.

From Casey:

_ What the fuck is wrong with you?_

Tito just frowned and put his phone back in his pocket.

_ That was for you, dummy._

Tito arrived early the next day for warm ups and some pre-game interviews. Older fans who’d followed Mat’s career had purchased seats and there was a sold-out crowd for the game. During a commercial break, they decided to honor Mat and have his retirement ceremony. Mat was there with his family flanking his sides. The jumbotron changed to show that video that the PR team had compiled from interviews and stock footage. Tito just stared at the ice. It would be painful to see Mat in his former glory. It wouldn’t have been as painful if Mat had had the choice to retire and if the agency had been his. But seeing the clips was almost shoving the past and the injury in Mat’s face. Casey was saying something, trying to crack a joke in the somber tone of the video.

It was meant as a thank-you to Mat, and it was, but it was painful to see. So many of the clips had Tito in them either getting a pass from Mat or giving Mat the assist. Tito’s own voice filled the arena. Thankfully, it was the stale, impersonal quote that he’d filmed on camera instead of the clip where he was crying over Mat. It was unemotional and didn’t pack the intended punch that the team had wanted but it would do. 

They won the game, barely, but it was still a win and that was the most important thing. Tito had an assist; it wasn’t his best game, but he was in the middle of a drought and was grateful to the point.

Mat was interviewed after the game and Tito found himself waiting after he had showered and changed.

“I’ll drive you home,” Tito said, “To my place, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah,” Mat said, “I wasn’t sure if we’d get a chance to talk, since I fly out tomorrow.”

“I wanted to give you a chance to say what you wanted.”

“Come on,” Tito said. They rode in silence, but it was comfortable. It wasn’t like the time when he felt the need to fill the void. Mat tapped along to the song and hummed along, terribly offkey.

“What time is your flight?”

“Eleven but it’s out of LaGuardia so I have to be there at, like, seven,” Mat said.

“Fuck LaGuardia,” Tito said.

“Yeah, worst airport in the world,” Mat agreed.

When they arrived in Tito’s apartment, he offered Mat a drink.

“No, I kind of need to be sober for this,” Mat said, “And I kind of need you to be sober for this too, if you don’t mind.”

“No, that’s fine,” Tito said as he passed by the beer in his fridge and grabbed a Gatorade.

“I’ve been seeing my therapist a lot lately, and I think if I hadn’t seen him I wouldn’t be here right now. Coming here was a big deal for me,” Mat said, “the game was still painful, but it was a little bit less.”

“I know,” Tito said, “I didn’t think you were going to come.”

“You know, I was so angry for the past two years, I was angry at hockey and the world and all the doctors who kept saying the same thing, and I was angry at myself and angry at you. And for a while it seemed like my life was over. All I knew was hockey and there had never really been a Plan B, so it was terrifying when I got injured. But now it’s a little less painful,” Mat said, “I realized I didn’t have to completely cut hockey out of my life to be happy and I didn’t have to cut you out either.”

“I still will play hockey,” Tito said, “I’m not giving it up.”

“I know and I don’t want you to, I’m still trying to figure out how to be okay with things, and in all honesty, I’m not there yet, but I think I can get there.”

“When we were together- and we were together- there was so much that I should have said and done that I was terrified to do, and I wasn’t a great boyfriend, I know that, but if you still want to be with me that’s what I want.”

“What happened to Brian?”

“It wouldn’t have worked out anyways. He was a nice guy, he is a nice guy, but I shouldn’t have been in a relationship with anyone at the time. I guess I realized that you were the one for me.”

“Mat,” Tito said.

“And I know things would be different now, I know that we can’t go back to the way things were and I don’t want them to either,” Mat said. “But I still want you… if that’s something you’re interested in.”

“How would it even work?” Tito asked, “You’re in Vancouver and I’ll be here, traveling all the time.”

“That’s another thing,” Mat said, “I applied to NYU and they’ve accepted me. I really like the school and I’m willing to try and make this work.”

“I’m not going to tell you to pick NYU,” Tito said.

“I know, but I want to pick NYU if you see a future for us.”

“I love you, you know that,” Tito said.

“I know, I love you too, I always have,” Mat said.

“But I just don’t know,” Tito said.

“I understand,” Mat said.

“Can I have some time to think about it,” Tito said.

“Of course,” Mat said, “Take your time.”

“Do you want to stay over? You can stay in the guest bedroom.” Tito asked, “I can take you back to the hotel early in the morning so that you don’t miss your flight.”

“Sure,” Mat said.

Tito went to his room and found an old T-shirt and some shorts that Mat could use as pajamas. When he went to give them to Mat, Mat had already stripped out of his suit and was down to his boxers. His knee was fully exposed and Tito’s eyes were drawn to look at it before he remembered that he shouldn’t.

“You can look at it,” Mat said, granting him permission to look at the scars.

The scars had healed well. They’d begun to fade from angry red wounds to a pale pink. It was clear that irreparable damage had occurred, but Mat’s knee didn’t look as bad as Tito had assumed.

“Is it painful still?” Tito asked.

“Sometimes, not the scars, they healed well, but the actual joint is pretty fucked up,” Mat said.

“Thank you,” Tito said.

“For?”

“For trying,” Tito said.

“Okay, so I have to tell you something. The PR department showed me the clip that they cut of you.”

“Fuck,” Tito said.

“And I understand why you didn’t want that in the actual video, but hearing you say what you did meant the world to me.”

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” Tito said.

“I know, but I’m really glad that I did. You wear the captaincy well, you know.”

“I have pretty big shoes to fill,” Tito said.

“Nah, you’re making your own way,” Mat said and he pulled the T-shirt over his head.

“Well, good night,” Tito said he leaned over and kissed Mat gently on the cheek. He headed to bed and set his alarm for early in the morning to take Mat back to the hotel and smiled. Mat had given him time to make his decision and he knew that Mat wasn’t going to rush him. From the butterflies in his stomach, he’d already made a decision.

Tito took Mat back and promised to let him know after he’d weighed the pros and cons. He loved Mat and Mat loved him, but they were different people now and in different places in their lives.

“Talk soon,” Tito promised.

And before Mat’s flight even took off, he sent him a photo of himself all sprawled across the waiting area.

“This better be good, Francis,” Tito snapped. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet.

“I sent you something, check your e-mail.”

“Okay, hold on,” Tito said. He pulled the phone away and checked his e-mail, seeing a message from Francis sitting in his inbox.

** FW: Former Islander Mat Barzal Retires; Comes Out as Gay**

“Holy shit,” Tito said. There was a link embedded in the article for a Player’s Tribune article that Mat had wrote. Tito knew that he’d read that over and over again.

He headed over to the link.

_ I haven’t played hockey in almost 500 days. The doctors all told me the same thing and every time they looked at my knee I wanted to punch them, I wanted to yell at them. They had spent years in school studying orthopedics and they couldn’t fix my knee. My life felt like it was over. I had ate, slept, and breathed hockey for as long as I could remember and suddenly hockey wasn’t a part of my life. _

_ But I didn’t realize until my injury how hockey had limited my life, or at least the hockey culture had. Because while I was with the Islanders, I was also hiding the fact that I was gay. To be clear, nobody in the Islanders had ever said anything homophobic. The administration had never said that they wouldn’t accept a gay player and nobody had ever warned me to be closeted. But there had never been a gay NHL player and I was terrified_. _I wasn’t going to be the first. _

_ The injury has liberated me from that fear and from that culture and I came out to my old teammates; they responded as I thought they would, with acceptance and love. Had I still been in the NHL, I doubt that I would be writing this Player’s Tribune article, but I hope that this article can provide courage to any current players in the NHL to come out if they want. They won’t be the first anymore. I also hope that I can live the way I choose to now, without fear of consequences being able to love the man that I love. _

“Fuck me,” Tito murmured.

From Liana:

_ That was his big gesture._

From Tito:

_ I know._

He hung up the phone with Francis and made two phone calls. First to his agent and second to Mat. Three days later, Tito was the second NHL player to come out.

** July 2025 The Player’s Tribune by Anthony Barzal-Beauvillier**

_ December 11th, 2021 was the worst day of my life. July 3rd, 2025 was the best day of my life. Both days revolved around Mat Barzal, now Mat Barzal-Beauvillier. The first date was the day he got injured. The second date was the day we got married. _

_ Two years ago, I became the first active NHL player to come out and the second NHL player after Mat. Some people at the time guessed that it was because of him. It wasn’t. It was something that I had considered to do even years before, but it was certainly inspired by him. Most of what I do now is inspired by him, but almost never because of him. There’s a distinction and sometimes it’s one that I forget. But it’s an important one. The big decisions that we’ve made throughout our own have been solely ours, but they’ve been made with consideration of the other. That’s how we survived the injury; we almost didn’t. _

_ We’ve had different roles in each other’s lives: first, we were teammates, then we were friends, then we were a couple and now we are husbands. Hockey may have introduced us, but it doesn’t define our relationship, not anymore and as we enter the new chapter in our lives, we’re excited for our second chance at a future together. _


End file.
